thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize