She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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