I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
