I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
