How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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