where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
