Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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