a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
