Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
