Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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