I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
