I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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