I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
