he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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