Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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