I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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