So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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