in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Randomize
