I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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