My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
