I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
