Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
