Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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