You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
