Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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