By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
