i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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