And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
