Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just blew my weed a kiss
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
