ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
