things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
