i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
True strength comes from lack of pants
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
