I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
