i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
