I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
