I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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