is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize