i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I have post one night stand depression
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
