I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
