Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
