The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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