i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
