i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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