you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
