I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
