hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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