PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
