Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
