omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
