how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
