ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
