I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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