he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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