Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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