I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I AM VODKA MAN
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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