Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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