I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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