Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
