Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
