he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
