my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
