We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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