You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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